The Paso Claims Another Doble

A Murghi/Zsus Production 

Murghi, what in the Mary Murphy's Scream is going on? I go on vacation for 2 weeks and return to find that Chbeeby is gone, sending you into deep mourning!  You know who I fault?  The tweens.  They're infiltrating and ruining every reality show I love.  First Adam Lambert, now Phillip.  Thank heavens they're too young to vote in presidential elections, or Robert Pattison or a Jonas Brother would have won as a write-in.  Can't their parents send them to bed at a respectable time so they can't be up all night dialing and texting?  They really need to leave the choosing to we women of a certain age, who have the experience, knowledge, and hormonal issues these youngsters lack!

Little bastard tweens.

All right. Rant over.  Onto Ladies and Gentlemen, your Top 10!

Of note:  Brandon's going the Urkle route to gain fans.

What was that all about? We never saw the backpack again. 

My Randi girl continues to rock the unitard.

I guess I'm still cranky because, young lady, flipping your hair does not constitute dancing. And girl? I was serious about the Pilates. Hook up with Melissa.

Claire Huxtable's sister does not approve.

Now Zsus, I gotta tell you I love the Debbie Allen. Love with a capital L that rhymes with hell yeah. So funny.

Which gets a strong reaction from Nigel and Lady Shrieks-a-Lot. 

Debbie was describing how she threw her Haagen Dazs at Nigel on her TV because of his negative comments about her favorites. Love.

Cat, meanwhile, is in her own world, singing "Happy Talk" from South Pacific.

You got to have a dream. If you don't have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true? If you don't talk happy, and you never have a dream, then you never going to have a dream come true. 

Any questions?

The show opens with yet another Bollywood dance. Nigel truly believes that the world can be united via dance, Murghi.  Apparently, neither Ahmadinejad nor Kim Jong iL are frequent viewers. Murghi, I'm exhausted just watching this! It was pretty awesome.

It was colorful!

It was sexy! (Hey. Should they be flashing those calves, Murghi?)

Tsk. Tsk.

It was leapy!

But, then it got creepy!

Then it got leapy all over again!  But, then Nigel told the girls he's putting them on "the hot bangers and mash train," and it got creepy all over again.

Claire Huxtable's sister agrees. She also thinks all the girls are equally swell, and anyone of them deserves to move into the Top 4 Couples. 

She says this before seeing them perform either their couples' dance or their solos. 

That seems entirely reasonable in a SYTYCD kind of way.

Kayla has chosen Evan as her partner!! Evan.  As in Revan.  Give him back to Randi, Kayla! Give him back RIGHT NOW! 

Aw Mr. Shorty and Ms.Tall. That's all kinds of random.

Apparently, the other fellas are relieved to be spared a Kayla partnership.  Can't imagine why. Other than the fact that  all of her previous partners have ended up in the bottom three with her on a weekly basis.  And all of them have been sent home.  Shall we start referring to her as The Black Widow, Murghi?

The White Lightning Black Widow...Has a ring to it.

Tony Meredith and Melanie LaPatin are attempting to teach them a Viennese Waltz.  But, Kayla can't stop staring at herself in the mirror.

It is very convenient that her left boob fits nicely over his right shoulder.

Melanie puts Evan in high heels so that he is closer in height to Kayla. 

If the shoe fits...

Kayla has cankles.

Now that he's gotten over being thoroughly emasculated, Evan seems to dig being the tall.

They perform to Seal's "Kiss From A Rose."  19E and Fremantle must have paid a small fortune for the rights to this song as it turns up frequently on both American Idol and SYTYCD.  That explains why Seal can afford to keep knocking up Heidi Klum.  But, I digress.  The kids look elegantly lovely this evening.

I like Evan with grown-man hair.

Apparently, Kayla is dressed like the rose and Evan is the grave.

And now, Evan is getting kissed by that rose. On the grave.

Or engulfed by the rose.

This is actually very, very lovely.  As cute as Evan and Randi were together, he is getting to show a stronger side to himself with Kayla.

But....but how is that they ended up the same height??

Evan would prefer we keep the secret regarding his lifts to ourselves.  Did you hear that, 12 million plus viewers?

Mary rambles on about the song being about power.  How does she know? I mean, how does anyone know what "Kiss From a Rose" is about?  It's kind of the "American Pie" of the 90's.

Now Mary, I know you love our recaps, but don't be stealing those air quotes. You, madame, are no Kris Allen.

Claire Huxtable's sister gets all up in it.  She's loving the new, macho Evan.

"You handled your big woman, honey." Love.

The sorority girls are excited by the thought of Evan handling them. 

And hooray for Debbie Allen!

As Cat would say, "Heeeere's Brandon!"

It's to Jeffrey Gaines "In Your Eyes," and it's pretty incredible. We get it. You can dance, Brandon. Now, go home.

Seriously, he is the oddest looking creature. 

Thank heavens we have Cat for some visual distraction.

Apparently, he's number one.

Janette picks Ade as her partner.  I guess that makes them Adette.  They'll be working with Nabitha!

Ade and Janette do hip-hop - he's the funk doctor and hypnotizes her with his pick. 

They're dancing to Justin Timberlake and Cierra's "Love, Sex, Magic."  Actually, based on the dance they do, I'd call it "Love, Sex, and Roofies."

Ade has Janette under his spell.

All of a sudden, she finds herself in funky clothes.

As in, "I'm gonna have you nekkid by the end of this song."  Roofies. I'm telling you.

Apparently, Nigel thinks the power is in the pick, rather than the date-rape drug, so fashions one of his own out of a couple of pencils.

Oh honestly, Nige. You're just not very funky, are you?

He threatens to entice Mary to get nekkid by the end of this song.  Ew.

What were we saying about creepy?

Claire Huxtable's sister is ready to get nekkid by the end of this song for Ade.  She frequently refers to him as "honey."

Love.

But, about one thing, she's not playing.

"Don't you get near my daughter."

Kat's look says it all. She spent her entire glamtastic life having boys stolen from her by the cutesy pie short girls.

Did I fail to mention the random pairing of Mr. Tall and Ms. Shorty?

Randi solos to "Dream" by Priscilla Ahn.  I know this because Murghi kindly left it in the screen cap.

Randi flits around. Why can't these kids give us a little story line with the leaping and the gesturing and the twirling? The solos are so beh.

Zsus, I asked for storyline not panty line. Zsus. Zsus? Zsus?! I think she went off on vacation again. And left me behind. Again. Hmmmphffff...

I'm back! I guess we should be grateful she's not wearing one of those thong contraptions the youngsters are so into, but granny panties?  Really, Randi? 

 

Also, it's my theory, that without her lush curls, she loses some of her mojo.

Just wait.

And dancing to Marina Gasolina by Bonde Do Role -

Kooky Kupono up next. All kinds of kooky.

He's kind of reminding me of that monkey Chris Kattan used to play on Saturday Night Live. Like I could picture him frantically eating an apple at any moment.

Ministry of Silly Walks kooky.

Kooky and squatty.

Kooky concave stomach. Well, at least his solo was different and interesting.

And there's leather on his ass.

Who does he think he is? Adam Lambert?

I didn't watch Season 2 so I didn't get all the hoo-hah about Travis. He was nervous. Will he measure up??

The perky blonde behind him seems to think so.  However, Queen Latifah's cousin needs proof!

Oh how quickly Jeanine has forgotten Phillip when she learns she is this season's resident cutie, Jason's, partner.

I have noticed Jeanine's tendency to wrap her legs around anything in pants. Tonight was no exception.

They dance to a Jason Mraz song that is NOT, I repeat NOT "I'm Yours."

Two friends about to cross the line and become...LOVAHS...

This is really pretty much lovely. Except for the crotch shots.

I guess sticking your private parts in your best friend's face gets that line-crossing ball rolling.

But it was beautiful and well-danced.

Absolutely! One of my faves of the season.

In the end, they make beautiful, bendy babies together.

I guess Travis noticed the leg-wrapping too. Or was this after the dance was over? Whatever, I rest my case. 

Uh...do you think the judges liked it?

General raves.

Everyone loves Jeanson!

Including the choreographer. Or choreograhper, as the case may be.

And Mary Murphy rendered speechless.

Oh, she's just resting up.

And teary.

And building up steam....

And getting the audience in her pocket..

Yes, she was.

Because she's....

Putting two people on the Hot Tamale train! Yes she is!!

The cat let go of her tongue long enough for the train to screech into the station.

Yet another solo we can barely care about.

If those are point shoes, that must be Melissa.

Yep.  To "Gabriel" by Lamb.

She's all, "Ooo. Look at me! I'm a ballerina!"

Yes, a grand jete - that's Melissa.

A sweaty ballerina.

And while Melissa is so 3008, the next solo belongs to So Nineteen Forty and Late.

If that's a tux, it must be Evan.

Dancing to Judy Garlands "Zing! Went the Strings of My Heart" as sung by Rufus Wainwright.

He's channeling Donald O'Connor, Murghs.

Funny jump n' make a face move, yup, Evan.

No Cary Grant is he.

Geez, Cat! Don't break the poor guy's tooth on the microphone!

Onto the teacher's pet and "Rock Your Soul" by Elisa.

Kayla, yes yes lovely legs and lovely lines.

Has she fallen and can't get up?

Oh.

Yes, Kayla.  Everyone will vote for you. You will be homecoming queen.

It's Randi and Kupono!

Pono thinks Randi is the cutest little thing, he could put her in his pocket. Hey! Randi is no Kris "Pocket Idol" Allen!

Exactly! And Pono is no Adam Lambert! In other words, Pono and Randi? No Kradam.

No. Not even a little bit, Pono.

And now is the time when they dance. To Karl Jenkins "Dies Irae." They're under the tutelage of Tony and Melanie, which can only mean one thing...

Uh oh, it's Paso Doble. And honey child, it stunk ferociously.

The stylists messed with my girl Randi's curls! And now she's lost her mojo!

Many missed holds.

Also missing? A partner with common sense. 

Just keep standing there, Pono, sooner or later she's gonna heave herself up.

I think her boobage is about to come pouring out of that dress.  It's distracting Pono.

I think that's what Mia meant by "dancing heavy."

He refuses to look at her gold bra so he can maintain the final position.

Then again.....

Oopsie.

All righty then....

I'm saying you want to do a wig for the Paso, do it jet black, not messy mousy.

Well...what can they say?

If looks could kill...

How dare you screw up my creation, you artless lumps??!!

Or if looks could say, "Are you off your meds, again?"...

Love.

Another solo we don't care about.

Now Ade will jump and leap some more.

To "Unchained Melody." Shouldn't he be at a pottery wheel?

He's diving into the shallow end of the pool!!

And nails it!

At least he had the good sense to go shirtless.

Is Cat smelling his neck???

Yet another solo. To some little number called "Violento" by Bailongo.

And now Jeanine will leap some more in one of her trademark criss-cross numbers.

A little Charleston action...

Almost a little wardrobe malfunction action...

Jeanine has a happy!

The woman is part Greek goddess and part Lucille Ball.

Here comes Jason! He's dancing to "Train Fair Home" by Muddy Waters.  Hey there, Mr. Bluesy McBluester!

Jason will languidly move around with his suspenders down.

Cute emoting via the dance.

And of course, leaping.

Jason has a happy, too!

Too bad he didn't have the good sense to go shirtless.

Melissa and Brandon will dance to "Aquarius" from Hair. 

Color me unsurprised.

Now, now, Murghi.  Love will steer the stars.

They're all about the hippy dippy!

When the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets and Brandon will leap around.

And Melissa will stick her heinie in the air.

Free love, Murghi. Free love.

And Brandon will bury his undersized nose in Melissa's undersized bosom.

OK.  The love is getting a little too free for my taste.

Zsus, why is Brandon's nekkid chest uninteresting to me? Oh right. How come Zsus gets to go on vacation every other week, and I'm stuck in humid rainy New Jersey?

Well, I did return in time to answer you.  It's because Brandon's chest is connected to his neck bone. And his neck bone is connected to his head bone. And his head bone's connected to his nose bone.  And we all know about Brandon's nose.

OK.  What are they smoking?

Did someone mention hot & humid?

Murghs, if you can't actually go on vacation, you can pretend to be on one while listening to the tune for the next solo, Sander Kleinenberg's "This is Miami."

Janette will get all slinky and dance of the seven Cuban veils in her solo.

 Well, cha cha cha to you, too, little lady!

The men do an African dance. Very matcho except they're wearing skirts.

Dancing to Alanda Clarke and Sean Kelly's "Blatant Funk."  The skirts wouldn't cut it in the club, I don't think.

Kupono's got his drunk frat boy on.

Jason's got his sports fan on.

Evan's got his fat guy drinking a beer by his pick-up truck on.

Aw Evan, they always make you go for the funny.

"New York, New York! It's a helluva town!"

"The Bronx is up and The Battery's down!"

"The people ride in a hole in the ground!"

"New York, New York!

"It's a helluva town!!"

"Yeah!"

The judges babble some more....

Nigel called Evan a dancing milkshake. He must be on a diet - always talking about food.

I think Evan swallowed a watermelon seed.

Heehee!  Naughty Murghi.

She likes. She likes.

Dance us out kids.

Great. NOW you look cute, Randi. 

Thanks for always being right in the camera's face, MELISSA!

Oh, don't encourage him, Cat!

Hi Janette!

Cat and Jason do a do-see-do.

"We are Devo! We are not men!"

Evan? Get a tan.

Uh....sorry to interrupt, Jeanine. 

You tried, Randi.  I lurve you, anyway.

No, Kupono.  She doesn't want to go up to your place to see your "etchings."

Everybody Wang Chung, tonight!

Results: Murghi Takes a Vacation from Words

A well-deserved vacation, you hard-working recapper, you. I'll add some verbiage.

The show opens with  a Janet Jackson song, "So Much Betta." And it's all blue and asian. Because nothing says the far east like Janet Jackson music.

Melissa is head geisha, due to her advanced years.

The lesser geishas arrive, youthfully.

The pussycat dolls arrive.

Head geisha shuns them!

Lesser geishas are FIERCE!

Victory!

And here comes the queen of all geishas, our Cat!

Yay Cat! Wait. Is that the guy from the Beauty and the Beast TV series in the background? The blonde?

Kat says, "Four!"

Debbie knows that number!

Mary knows, "five!"

Cat salutes them!

OK. This is just awkward.

As is this private moment between Janette and Jason. On national television.

Right, Randi?  Oh wait. You're bottom 3!!

Jeanine...

You're safe.  Oh, I see. You need your private moment with Jason as well.

Kayla and Melissa?  Surely it's....

Smuggy McSmugglestein in the bottom 3.

Jason, I'm sure she's waiting for her private moment with you to take place OFF CAMERA.

That is if you are....

SAFE!

The harem responds.  All except that Freddy Mercury look-alike guy in the background. What's HIS problem?  Still not over Kris Allen beating Adam Lambert?

OK.  Seriously.  WHAT??? Evan is safe?

Jason? Don't you have your hands full already?

Apparently not.

Who will dance for their lives?

You, Kupono.

Which makes Evan inexplicably happy and gives Jason a sad. 

Brandon's safe? 

Jason, you're really starting to piss Jeanine off.

As in REALLY, REALLY pissing her off.

Great.  Now she's gone. But, Mr. Freddy Mercury is looking at you in a new light.

Dance for your life, my Randi girl!

Just ignore these two.

Especially this one.  Claire Huxtable's sister.

Now is not the time to discuss volumizers, Cat.

Um. Yeah.  You go Kupono.  (Not really.)

No, Cat. Please don't allow your biological clock to cloud your judgment.

Melissa dances for her life, apparently with a broken arm!!!

I love how Cat is totally ignoring her.

Which means that attention seeker, Melissa, won't get up until Cat comes to her!

Ade! I'm telling you! That's the shallow end of the pool!

Right, Mary?

OK. I have to ask. What is UP with the Black-Eyed Peas?  They are the hottest group in the country, with two songs in the Top 10. Yet, it's like they're doing the county fair circuit of media exposure.  Cheesy reality shows and afternoon talk shows?  Wil.I.Am! You wrote an anthem that inspired a nation to vote for Obama.  What are you doing on So You Think You Can Dance? 

And, Fergie?  It looks like the twins are hungry.

Don't waste your time trying to make eye contact, Randi.

Thanks for being there for her, Melissa!

At least Cat gives good hugs.

Onto the fellas.

Bye, Kupono!

Sing us out, Randi and Kupono!

Goodbye Randi!

OK.  Evan?  This is girl time.  Go make yourself useful and say goodbye to Kupono.

Never mind. He and Jason are having private time.

With Brandon honing in.

OK.  Everyone hug and act all sad and blah-blah-blah....

Yeah, right.

Gees, Murghi. No Randi. No Phillip.  Why even watch?  But we shall.

DM, we owe you another batch of something yummy for delivering the video goods week after week!  I second this commotion.